What's all the pooking fuss about?

2008-11-26T15:29:00.002Z

I feel like i'm going mental...i've lost something so ingrained in me that i feel as though i've lost a limb, more than a limb, like i've lost my soul.
I have no direction, i'm going in all directions.
I have a 1000 thoughts a second, anger, saddness, regret, hope, bitterness, love, hate, pain, destruction so many more, my head doesn't seem to want to rest, I can't sleep for the voices in my head creating scenarios that will never be played out in real life, that bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, stir a feeling of sickness in my stomach. I can't swallow food, I feel guilty for laughing, I have no desire to do anything but sleep and I can't.
I've lost my best friend

Valentines Day

2008-02-14T09:11:00.002Z

I have composed a little song (feel free to make up the tune in your head as your sing it to yourself):

I'm alone on Valentines day
Boo Hoo
Boo Hoo
I'm all alone this Valentines Day
Sniff Sniff
Sniff Sniff

Do I care? not at all!
Do I care? not at all!

I'm alone this Valetines Day
Going to spend it with my motheeeeeeeeeeeer

Do I care? not at all!
Do I care? not at all!

Repeat and fade

peace out xxx

Melt

2008-02-13T11:36:00.002Z

I am such a melt - a cheese melt, melt, melt, melt, melt!!

peace out xxx

2008-02-12T09:52:00.000Z

Love at first sight huh - does it exist? I'm starting to think maybe it does.
I've passed people in the street/at a club before and my stomach has turned fair play. I've had relationships with people and been in love.
I can at times be a romantic and so the idea of love at first sight appeals to this side however my pessimistic nature allows me to believe that it only happens to a few lucky people and most certainly not me.

Well Friday night I fell in love from the turn of a head and the flash of a smile.

I know I'll see this girl again, I don't know when but I do and it's going to take all the inner strength that I have not to lick her face, it's not just my stomach that turns when I picture the look she gave me...cold shower needed - quickly!!

peace out xxx

I have no secrets I tell no lies

2008-02-05T16:40:00.000Z

Oh but have I been a busy girl lately.
Busy in a social butterfly way and I love it, I absolutely love it.
My liver, skin, stomach and lungs feel differently, they all feel as though they might fall out of my arse any minute in a mass exodus.

My lovely lovely boy from Wales came to stay and I reverted back to my old habits of drinking way too much and lusting after people I shouldn't.

IN TOTAL:
Parties I have attended: 1
Clubs I have been to: 4
Most amount of clubs in one night: 3
Nights I went to three clubs: 3
Bars I have been to: 10
Full English Breakfasts: 4
Cigarettes: 100,000
Alcohol units: 100,000,000 (including, long island iced Teas, Cheeky Vimto's, Jaeger Bombers, Godfather's, whiskey and coke, vodka and coke, Wine, Tequila, Rose Tequila, Tuaca, Champagne)
Sofa's I have slept on: 2
All day hangovers I have had: 4
Girls I have wanted to take home and lock in my bedroom: 2
Times I have looked like an arse dancing: 100,000,000,000
Telephone numbers obtained of nice friendly lesbians I will make be my friends: 1

I have had so much fun but now I am weary and a little down in the dumps, I want my boy to move back to Brighton, I want to be head over heels in love and I want all the money in the world so I can give up work and party like last week forever.

Ooijj I need time to be clever for the secrets and lies, come back and I'll have something ultra cool *panics* - maybe give me a month or two!!

peace out xxx

2008-01-11T10:41:00.000Z

There are certain noises that get my hackles up.
These being some of the obvious; nails on a blackboard, people chewing with their mouths open, my mother tapping her knife against her plate...
More recently though there is this girl that I work with who just gets my blood boiling.

She just wont shut up, I'm talking non stop noise - currently she is half whistling half singing bits from the Jungle book. Now that doesn't sound too bad however she has already changed the tune and is now singing to herself under her breath just so that you can hear the noise but not what it is.

Now I'm the boss round here and I have asked her/told to be quite so that people can work (the whole time the irrational part of my brain is screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP") yet she fails to get the picture. I'm really not sure what part of "guys I need a bit of quite time as I really have to concentrate to get this done in time" she cant understand.
Is it that difficult to maybe NOT sigh every 5 mins, swear at yourself, sing, speak the words you are typing, remind yourself that you are meeting your sister for lunch, tell yourself how bad that particular customer is,how annoyed you are, I think she even types loudly, the list is endless and I am convinced she is doing it deliberately.
She seems to just emit noises willingly like great big verbal farts and it pains me greatly.

She also has this laugh that goes right through you I mean like needles in your eyes - it is the fakest laugh, she trills and gawps really you have to hear/see it to believe it - it's a violation.

Anyway - I feel better now

She is a sweet girl - but dense, really really dense which is why I can't stay mad at her for being so damn annoying.

Ha - just as I'm about to post this - she's started alternating between gun noises and the Jungle Book - gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah - somebody save me!!!!!

Soooooooo

2008-01-10T14:52:00.000Z

I have been a lazy Spants recently haven't I!?

FYI - Things that have taken up my time recently:

1)Work (it's crazy busy - I thought people took Christmas off?!)
2)Revising for exams (which didn't go so well - damn the internet damn the TV and damn my friends for distracting me)
3)CHRISTMAS
4)My "special" internet friend
5)My mother

All of which have contributed to the further twisting and folding of my sanity. Something that to be frank (or betty will do - snarf/geek laugh) really doesn't need to get any worse.
I think that it's perfectly clear (that reminds me of a Tori Amos song listen to it: The Wrong Band - from the Under the Pink album in fact listen to the whole album - it's a bit random but fun) that I'm slightly losing grip on life/reality at the moment.

If at any point anybody wants to send me some kind of help (preferably a hot foreign ladeeee tied up in a bow) please do, otherwise pray for me, or have a drink for me, or spare a thought for me, or just um run from me?!

2007-12-05T16:17:00.000Z

I often find myself questioning who I am and whether I have any real control over my life.
I am not religious, I do not believe in God.
I am however now a great believer in Astrology. Yesterday I went online (yes whilst at work) and got a free Natal Chart report. Now I wasn't aware that this existed before hand and I'm still not 100% sure that I fully understand, I think a little further investigation is most definitely needed, however for the time being I can tell you as much as this; I am a 15% freaked out 15% overwhelmed and 70% inspired.
My Natal Chart tells me my Sun Sign is Cancer and My Moon Sign is Aries and then it tells me another 16 pages of uncanny and close to the mark stuff about who I am and what I will do in life and why.
If I wasn't thoroughly convinced in spirituality before then I am now.
There were of course some things that I disagreed with, however, debating is apparently in my nature, I'm also apparently moody and terrible with money. I loathe to admit this, but, spot on.

I'm also fairly easily led and so realise, that I have to look at this objectively and realistically. Yes it could be that I am willing the words to befit my life and yes perhaps anybody could read what they wanted into what is said, but I choose to believe that there is something there.
This gives me hope, this gives me a chance to work with, as opposed to against who I am.
A chance to know why I make the decisions I do, that the choices I make are right for me and even if there is nothing in it then at least to feel some sort of security is better than nothing?

Brrr

2007-11-24T00:40:00.000Z

Sweet Jesus - when did it get this cold.

I look like a dork, I'm dressed in scabby old tracky bottoms (paint splattered) a massive hoodie and a hat and i'm in doors.
I'm going to get a friggin hot water bottle and make a cacoon of my duvet and shiver myself to sleep.
What I really want to be doing is drinking wine, copious amounts of white wine and chain smoking, I will take what little peace I can find from waking up tommorow and not feeling like my blood is turning to wine and sounding like a man.

Song for the day:
If it be your will by Leonard Cohen

Technophobe

2007-11-22T18:53:00.000Z

I hope that's the right word for being rubbish at Technology based things and not that I've just admitted to hating hard core Techno (which I do) or something far far worse.

I need some help pleeeeease. I want to totally pimp my blog out - I want to sparkly (not in a glitterball way) but I am just so so shit at this sort of thing.
If anyone can suggest some way's of cooling me out I will do good things for you ;)

Please don't touch my face...or my feet!

2007-11-16T18:11:00.000Z

If you were to know me you would probably know that there are two things I hate - strangers touching my face and anyone touching my feet.

So for my birthday (june 25th just in case next year you want to buy me something) one of my good friends brought me a hefty voucher for spa treatments. I have been putting off using them until I realised that it sucked and I should really be thankful and have a treat.
So I went today and had my eyebrows waxed and a facial - well bloody nora the woman (i'll call her Judas for now) started off by telling me to get in the bed without my shoes and socks and anything on top. Yes bed. It was made like a bed with a sheet and then a pink quilt over the top which had tassels and beads.
At this point I'm already wanting to run screaming but I bit down and did as she said.
She then starts doing things to my feet - I think the purpose was to relax me, it didn't work.

She then takes a look at my skin under a maaasive magnifying glass and starts dressing me down about it being dry and making me recite my cleansing rituals. Fine. So. Then she starts doing the whole facial thing - at which point my stomach starts having a conversation with itself.
Then she starts squeezing my frikkin spots!!!
WTF

Ok so go back to me saying I don't like strangers touching my face again WTF - Let me rephrase that - strangers shouldn't pick other strangers spots - that is the rule - just don't do it.

THen she starts massaging my face and neck and shoulders and seriously it feels likes she's trying to rub my shoulder blades away.
She then puts on a facial mask and starts tapping with her fingers on my forehead.
I tell you I had to think of my poor dead grandfather to stop myself from laughing.
Along with other choice moments of hilarity, me having to dredge gruesome thoughts into my head to stop laughing and my stomach now playing a symphony (nothing for lunch!) I wasn't even remotely relaxed. Then thankfully after an hour (yes an hour - of someone touching my face) she stops and chimes a frikkin bell over me.
Now what the fuck was that for? If you know and someone must please enlighten me.

Oh in my ranting I forgot to say she continually rubbed grease and shit into my freshly washed hair and then proceeded in massaging my head so I looked a little like Edward Scissor hands but no way near as good-looking.

All in all, I love my friend dearly and I would never tell her it was one of the most painful experiences but sweet jesus please no more facials - please just no more facials.

Song for the day
Costa (It's a Beautiful Day) by Reno

Monobrow

2007-11-15T19:42:00.000Z

Grey hairs I can cope with
Few extra pounds I can cope with
Minging hangovers I can cope with

Mono-fucking-brow I can not.

During my daily ritual of face inspection (today's ritual was inspired particularly because Im having a facial tomorrow - not something I massively enjoy but still, I digress)- i.e. checking for spots(we all do it), wrinkles, massive black bags etc , I noticed a ruddy great big (2mm) hair right slap bang in the middle of my eye brows - WTF.
I pulled that sucker right out don't you worry, but still, now having massive panics that I will end up with a mono-brow, I am as we speak contemplating diathermy. I wonder if they do this on areas with just one hair? Is this irrational - I THINK NOT.

Mono-brow's remind me of nasty sleazy boys named Jude who smell of BO and generally give me the creeps. Bah - I refuse to go down this slippery road to monobrowdom! Suggestions on a postcard please.

I think I need some wine - am going to hunt until I find some and drink remorsefully until I can't remember that I'm turning into chewbacca.

Peace out x (that is the way I shall sign off now because I figure that if I am going to look like a dork I can sound like one too!)

Oh nearly forgot

Song of the day
Caterpillar Eyebrows - By Inventing Eve

Getting lost

2007-11-10T17:02:00.000Z

Oh my... i got so lost today - how at the age of 26 can I not retain directions?
Seriously though it was somewhere I know quite well too - note to self must pay more attention when being given directions.

So I've been on facebook today having a little play around looking at different groups and was looking at one on Leisha Hailey's band Uh Huh Her and someone had written on a note on it's wall saying that they had gone to see their show in LA and that Katherine Moenning was there and was really rude. Now this pains me for the following reasons:
a) she was there and I wasn't
b) if she was rude then she can't be the perfect woman
c) I don't know it just pains me

I wonder though why someone would work in such an industry, knowing that they would have fans, then go to somewhere those fans would be and then have an attitude.
Please don't get me wrong, I think that everyone is entitled to their privacy and she must get it all the time blah blah but still, really?!

I suppose it comes back to the age old debate over where you draw the line on celebrities privacy, why should they be courteous the whole time and be expected to share a little bit of themselves with complete strangers at the drop of a hat?
I hear you, you say, well if it wasn't for the fans she wouldn't have her job which is kind of the line I'm taking here.
What I do know though is that when I'm not in the mood to talk to people I can probbably come across rude and that's life you can't be 100% cheerful and chatty the whole time.

So now I've just argued myself back into thinking she's human and maybe not so bad!!

This shouldn't bother me so much - I'm going to drink some wine. By myself. Alone. Does that make me a loser? Or an alcoholic?

If your interested it's a bottle of Cuvee Claude Dominique 2005 Chablis - it's good.
Right it's the bottle, me and series 3 of The L Word -rock and roll kids rock and roll!

Song for the day:
Where is my mind by the Pixies

Fact for the day:
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Feels like a sunday

2007-11-06T19:08:00.000Z

Oh my weary days, you know you shouldn't go out and stay out when you're hangovers last ALL day.
Was bonfire night last night and where I'm from it's a massive thing, thousands of people come from all over and watch processions, fireworks, prayers, drink in the streets, throw bangers and act like 13 year olds.
For the first in many years I actually managed to experience it all(normally I am too drunk before the processions start and miss everything), I conclude, it was a fun evening, today not so much.

To make matters worse I had to replace two tyres on my car which took four hours - a debacle not needed today. My lovely best friend who is a bit of an emotional cripple is having troubles with her boyfriend of two years and I have had them both on the phone expecting some sort of answers to their prayers.
Now I am only happy to help but these problems just wont go away and I'm losing hope for them, which makes me sad, but also frustrates me as I can only give the same advice (which I have been doing for the past 6 MONTHS) so much before I start having to get tough.
Where do you draw the line? I'm finding it hard to be objective and don't want to say too much because it's not my place to sort their problems out.

Anyway enough, enough - I'll think about it more when they argue again next week!

Came out to another old friend yesterday, the more I do this the more empowered I feel and the more right it feels.

Song for the day:
Maybe an angel by Heather Nova

Fact for the day:
For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

Under the duvet/Help

2007-11-04T16:57:00.001Z

So today has productively been spent snuggly under my duvet avec The L Word - season 3.
Uh huh Shane is just delicious

I want to talk today about Ourchart, the lesbian networking site.
To give a brief overview of my sitaution:
When I was 21 and very straight I met a girl who was fully out, through some gay boy friends, stuff happened between us and the love thang crept in there a little too. It finished partly due to my inability to comprehend what was happening and partly due to me being a twat.
Things then took a turn for the weird and we stopped being friends I don't see so much of my gay boy friends (we've all grown up and apart a bit over the years) so now I am in a bit of a quandry becuase I want to explore this exciting new part of me but just don't know any other lesbians and I'm just too much of a pussy to go to a girlie bar by myself.
Now don't get me wrong my best friends have all offered to go with me - but for some reason that just doesn't feel right - should I include them on this and why do I feel strange about doing so.
THey have been tottally supportive of my decision and are so far the only people I have told.

Anyway before you nod off - Ourchart.
So I have registered and opened an account - for those of you who don't know about it it's a lesbian facebook, you can invite people to be your friends, message each other put a photo up and ultimately build a chart of "friends" for everyone to look at be astonished that you are just so damn popular.
When I reistered I thought well now here's a good place to just be me and talk to new people have some chat full stop, however I have now realised that people are so held back and I suppose may feel odd talking to people they don't know.

So I guess what I'm saying is am I onto a losing battle - should I just take my sorry ass to a bar and hope I don't look like a plum the whole evening or should I take my firends with me and hope that I don't make a massive twat out of myself?

Do I continue on Ourchart and hope that evenutally people start to loosen up and just talk?
In fact that's kind of what I'm hoping will happen here too?!

Song for the day:
Temptation By New Order (love it just love it)
Oh you've got green eyes......

Fact for the day:
The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes.

I've eaten tooooo much

2007-11-03T20:49:00.000Z

Yello - am currently rolling around clutching my belly and deep breathing whilst trying not to think about chicken. Well I'm thinking that's what I should do.

Shall tell you a little about myself (when ever I say a little - I don't mean it -rant is my middle name).

Am 26
Am a girlie
Work in progress lesbionic
Like chicken - but only when I haven't eaten too much
Am on a learning crusade at the moment which roughly translated is me reading a lot and then bragging that I know something new - friends and family bored to tears - now I can bore some more people - hurrah.

Likes: talking, reading, sleeping (it's all in the duvet you know - goose of course - oh and bed socks), cocktails, corona with lime, jeans, winter hats, wellies, boobies, Kate Moennig/ The L Word, swearing, music, confidence, kisses....I'll spare you from anymore as this is my first.

Dislikes: People eating with their mouths open, fish, mushrooms, narrow mindedness, fake laughter, nosebleeds. I'll think of more later.

Anyway ta da that'll do for now?!

Song of the day:
Because the night - Patti Smith (gives me a tingly feeling in my tummy)